How To Support A Partner With Depression

Not everyone instinctively knows how to handle someone else's depression.

Depression is a liar; there is no lie it won't tell. It contributes to feelings of worthlessness, guilt, and overwhelming sadness. It takes the joy out of life and makes everything feel like a chore.

Depression may look different from person to person, but it has all of these things in common, as well as a reluctance on the part of sufferers to not burden their partners with their sorrow. People with depression tend to feel the burden of loneliness as they struggle to cope with a disease that drains them of their very will to live.

It's hard to support a partner suffering with depression -- but it's not impossible. Depression is a chronic physical illness with invisible symptoms, and it's an incredibly serious one. It's not possible for someone who has never experienced it to understand how truly painful it is, but you will learn to look for the signs.

When someone is depressed, they withdraw from loved ones; this is a very real side effect of depression. Sufferers don't often rationalize their actions; it could be simply be a side effect of the disease. But that's because they feel guilt at not being able to communicate effectively or be happy for the sake of their partners. They distance themselves -- either deliberately or unconsciously -- and this leads to misunderstandings that take a very real toll on relationships.

Sometimes people suffering with depression may be angry for apparently no reason, or prone to anxiety that leads to plans being cancelled and social outings dropped. Things that are actually not that big of a deal start to feel impossibly complicated.

There are other physical side effects to depression as well, and those are not often discussed. Lethargy and malaise are common; sleeplessness, lack of a sex drive, loss of appetite, and an inability to function normally as a result of one or more of these symptoms is a reality that most people with depression contend with on a daily basis.

Living is rife with challenges, each bigger and more complicated than the last, and they loom through the day, posing difficulties. It can be very frustrating for partners who don't know why their partner is lethargic, ill, uninterested in sex, and generally unwell for days on end.

As someone who has suffered from depression for years, I've been in a fair few relationships where supporting me becomes a learned skill for my partner. Here are 12 things to consider.that could be helpful with dealing with your partner's depression:

1. Learn About Depression 

There is countless material on the internet about chronic depression. Arm yourself with knowledge. The more you know, the less likely something will take you by surprise. Don't underestimate the seriousness of the disease. It drains a person's energy, productivity, optimism, and motivation.

2. Know What Not To Say

Never tell someone suffering from depression to 'snap out of it' or 'you're too much'. Just like it's impossible to 'snap out' of cancer or diabetes, nobody can snap out of depression. Also, depression already comes with feelings of guilt and helplessness. Being told 'you're too much' only contributes to the feelings of guilt and self-loathing.

3. Don't Hide It

Never hide it. Never contribute to the stigma by covering up for your partner. If they're having a bad day, they're having a bad day. They're not indisposed, otherwise engaged, or busy doing something else. They're having a bad day. By covering up, it not only contributes to the stigma but also adds to the feelings of wrongness and shame. There's nothing to be ashamed of. It's just a bad day, not a bad life.

4. Be Affectionate

For many people, hugs and physical affection are great when it comes to improving your mood. A depressed person may not respond to their partner's words but will respond to being held because they associate that with love. It's important to feel loved all the time, but especially in the middle of a depressive episode.

5. Offer Validation

Validation is great. For example, saying something along the lines of "I'm so sorry you're having such a bad day. That would frustrate the heck out of me too." or "That sounds so hard. Come here and let me hold you." or "I know you're really exhausted and I'm sorry. I wish I could take it away." or "I know it's a bad day. Silly brain. Let's cuddle for a while/I'll make us something to eat/I want to snuggle and talk/I'm going to take care of you now." Etc. You get the picture. Validate, validate, validate. It's a great tool.

6. Communicate

As always, communication is key. Don't assume your partner knows you care. Don't assume that you don't need to say something or ask how someone is. Even if you think you know, ask them anyway. Tell them you love them. Ask them how you can make their day better.

7. Distract Your Partner

After you've communicated and validated, if your partner is still spiralling and overwhelmed by negativity, then you need to distract them. Tell them about your day. Tell them something funny. Watch something lighthearted with them. Ask them about something they love. Tell them something funny the kids said/did. Save up things to tell them when they're low, and then dip into your bank.

8. Remember To Exercise

Exercise is great for depressives, but finding the energy and the inclination to exercise is something that avoids us on bad days. Offering to go for a gentle stroll that does wonders for the soul is a good idea, although you should just be open to the fact that your partner may just say no. In that case, accept it and file it away for another day.

9. Care For Your Partner

You are likely doing this anyway, but it can't be emphasized enough. Ordinary tasks and self-care will feel like a chore to most depressives, so being taken care of on a bad day is a really big deal. It can look like offering to do something for them, or tidying up their surroundings or doing basic chores like the laundry and changing the cat's litter box. Depressed people will have days when they can't take care of themselves, although on their worst days they will probably still try to care for others. Having that reciprocated back can mean an awful lot to your partner.

10. Look Into Medication And Therapy

Medication and therapy play a huge role in my life, and in the lives of other depressives. If your partner is going to therapy, it may be a good idea to check that they are still able to make it to therapy on their own, or if they need a ride or a helping hand to get there. There are days when leaving the house is a struggle.

Similarly, with medication, sometimes you may need to discreetly check that they're remembering to take their pills. When my partner does this, I don't see it as coddling and honestly appreciate being asked because I interpret it as someone caring enough about me.

Alternately, if you realize your partner's depression is worsening but they're still taking their medication, then they might need to be told: Hey, do you think your medication needs to be adjusted? Can you call your therapist and set up an appointment?

11. Be Patient

Remember that even  if your partner's depression is well-managed, they can still have very bad days. That is not anybody's fault. It's just the nature of the disease.

But you have to understand that even on the good days they actually spend time managing their mood, their sleep, their diet, their activity level (exercise etc.), and their relationships so they can continue to function and be the many things they are to many people.  

I like reminding my partner that even when I don't realize it, I'm still the same person when I'm down as I am when I'm not. It's important to understand that and to be patient. Depression is a part of me, but it's not who I am. It is my struggle, not my identity.

12. Take Care Of Yourself

Don't forget to take care of yourself. Your partner's bad days are not easy to deal with, but you need to make sure that being their support isn't draining you. You are important too.

So you need to make sure that you're still doing all the things that you do for yourself. Eat. Sleep. Exercise. Do things you like to do. Put your needs right up there alongside your partner's. You'll need a break from them from time to time on their bad days. It's totally okay to do things for yourself and recharge the way that you want to.

It takes effort, patience, and compassion to love someone with depression. But we need your love, patience, compassion, and understanding. It's not easy. It's not fair. Nobody chooses to fall in love with someone with an illness. People just fall in love. Depression is a very real aspect to some people's lives, but lots of couples cope with it incredibly well, and with all these tools in your tool box, you'll be able to as well.

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