What To Do When She Doesnt Like Your Friends
In an ideal world, our partner would love all our friends. Wouldn't it be great if the people in our lives never clashed, and all of you could get brunch on Sundays? Unfortunately, it often happens that your girlfriend doesn't take a shine to your guy friends. This can be the cause of many an ugly fight, and you don't want to make things worse by saying the wrong thing!
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Here's our handy guide on how to navigate that most tricky of situations: when your loved ones don't like each other.
No knee-jerk reactions, or telling her she's wrong for not liking them.
You: So, what did you think of Mark and Liam?
Her: Umm...I didn't really like them, sorry.
You: What? Are you serious? I wasn't expecting this.. It's so obvious that Mark is a great guy, how could you not see that?
This is a classic case of what NOT to say. It's probably not easy for your girlfriend to admit that she doesn't like your friends! She WANTS to like your friends, but for some reason she doesn't -- just like she dislikes rice pudding. Would yelling at her for disliking rice pudding change her tastes? No, so why adopt that tactic?
If anything, telling her she's wrong about your friends will make her dislike them more (as any student of reverse psychology could tell you). Instead, react with neutral, judgment-free statements/questions that help you understand WHY she doesn't like them.
You: Oh. No? Was it something in particular that they said or did?
Once you find out what she didn't like, offer a second chance at a hangout.
There's a high probability that this is fixable -- there's probably a tangible reason why they didn't get along. Maybe your girlfriend got mad that Mark was making a terrible joke about women, when he was actually making a terrible joke about airplanes. Maybe your girlfriend didn't like how cold Liam was to her, when he was actually just feeling unwell. The point is: first impressions AREN'T always right. It's likely that your girlfriend needs a little more time to warm up to your friends!
In the meantime, don't rush to defend your friends, or insist that she misunderstood them. Even if that's the case, wait a minute and then offer a chill solution -- tactfully.
You: Hey, I know you didn't like the boys last time I brought them round, but they were kind of rowdy and drunk that night. Would it be okay if we got a quiet lunch with them today? They really do want to hang out with you -- and I promise they will grow on you!
Try to find ways for them to connect with each other.
Remember, these two groups of people may have nothing in common apart from you. You have to do some legwork here. You can't schedule a hangout together, sit back, and expect them to hit it off right away!
Think about what they might have in common. Maybe your girlfriend and Mark share an obsession with avocado toast? Maybe Liam has bad luck with women, while your girlfriend loves to play matchmaker? Whatever it is, try and bring it up to your girlfriend. Get her to see your friends in a new light. (At the very least, they'll be able to bond over how frustrating Tinder is these days.)
Show, don't tell. Don't say "Look, Mark's a really great guy. You're plain wrong about him." Instead, tell her that she might like to come along to one of Mark's volunteer events for the homeless. Sometimes, people need a little help bonding with each other -- that's where you come in.
Also, make sure you give your boys a heads-up to be extra nice, too. Both parties have to make an effort to get to know each other -- otherwise you're not being fair to your girlfriend!
Make it clear that it's not a her-vs.-them situation.
The worst possible thing you could do is pit your girlfriend against your friends. Don't divide them into enemy camps by doing anything dumb -- like telling your friends your girlfriend hates them! They will (naturally) come to resent her, and this will create a very difficult situation for everybody involved. The next time you're out with your boys, she'll be wondering if they're encouraging you to dump her. Or cheat on her, etc.
Don't fall into the trap of prioritizing one over the other (even if it's her). Don't put your girlfriend in an uncomfortable position by saying things like this, with a martyred air:
You: I was supposed to go to Taco Tuesday with Liam, but I know you're having a hard week. It's okay. I canceled on him. You know how much he loves tacos - but you're more important.
How is this supposed to make her feel? She probably doesn't want to force you to hang with her over them.
Pull back a second. Let her know that this doesn't have to be a minefield. Your girlfriend might feel insecure, so reassure her about her role in your life (without suggesting that they're in competition in any way). There's no reason for anybody to feel territorial over you.
You: Okay, so you didn't like my friends this time. Maybe you'll come to like them! But even if not -- well, they're my friends, and you're my girlfriend. I have separate relationships with both of you...I'm confident I'll be able to figure it out.Look, maybe your girlfriend and your friends will never be besties. They're oil and water. That's okay! They don't have to be.
After all, this isn't grade school: you should be able to handle this kind of situation gracefully, like adults do. Don't be angry at her for not liking your friends! Think about it this way: isn't it nice that two different types of people can both like you so much? This is the kind of relaxed, mature attitude that will put her at ease. Good luck!
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